I am extremely and painfully online.

This dawned on me after a recent conversation with my cousins whereby I explained to them what a BBL, or Brazilian butt lift, is. 

They were so blissfully unaware of what the term meant, because unlike me, they do not spend most of their waking moments scrolling online. 

For those who don’t know what the term means, it is a popular surgical procedure that has been on the rise since 2010. It also has an extremely high fatality rate.

I not only explained the trajectory of BBLs to my cousins, but also the fact that despite their recent rapid uptake, they are likely to go back on the decline, as many of the Kardashians are allegedly reversing their procedures to opt for a smaller behind. 

I know. I’m upset that I know this information.

While knowing the discourses of the day is quite literally part of my job, in 2022 I’m trying to be sexy and out of touch with reality™, and to not participate in any of the daily stupidity on the treacherous bird app where I spend most of my time.

However, like I do for most people in my life, I figure I can keep all of you in the loop with all of the dumb shit that I read this week, because dragging people is one of my favourite past times.

So, welcome to my new weekly series where I round up online discourses that I hated this week.

Anti-woke lady goes viral

So the week started strong, with a former CBC employee thinking they did something, by writing a piece about how they quit the CBC for being “too woke'' and “far left.”

I’m not linking it here but if you care enough you can go find it.

If you’ve ever read or listened to the CBC you’ll know it is quite literally anything but “far left,” but naturally, the bigots ate up the piece anyways. And naturally, I was annoyed. 

The author went on to talk about how print space or air time was being given to diverse feature stories that didn’t relate to her experience (cry me a river), throwing in buzz words like “woke agenda” that I'm sure left her supporters salivating at the mouth. 

Leave it to another white woman to get a massive audience and massive applause for her out of touch views, while there are an abundance of BIPOC writers who never get the same space or airtime. And when we do get a chance to speak about our experiences, it’s written off as “not news,” or not as important as “more serious” stories.

Gawker writer Sarah Hagi put Henley (the author of the aforementioned piece) in her place, with a delightfully written article that points out that nobody knew who Henley was before this piece, because all she really did during her time at the CBC was write about books and a few hiking trails.

So honestly, let's keep it that way?

Tristan Thompson

Tristan Thompson is an absolute menace to society. I don’t often feel bad for Khloe Kardashian, particularly not after how she publicly slandered Jordyn Woods after an incident with her man, but I definitely can extend some empathy after Thompson’s most recent tomfoolery.

This week, Thompson released a statement announcing that he did in fact father a child with his personal trainer while still in a relationship with Khloe. The announcement came after weeks of denying any involvement with the personal trainer, and allegedly offering to pay her $75,000 in hush money. 

As if that weren’t enough, he made sure to add that despite the news, he has the “utmost love and respect” for Khloe, as if repeatedly cheating is something one does to somebody they love and respect.

This case of infidelity comes years after Thompson kissed family friend Jordyn Woods, and cheated on Khloe while she was in the third trimester of her pregnancy with their daughter True, giving him the name “Third Trimester Thompson.”

Thompson has trended more for his infidelity than he ever has for his basketball career, and if it were up to me I think he should be exiled back to community courts in his native hometown of Brampton, Ontario.

“Influencers” on Sunwing party flight

Listen. We’ve all been in this pandemic for a hot minute. But every time I think I’ve seen the dumbest, most entitled nonsense possible—someone, somewhere manages to top it.

This past week it was a group of “influencers,” from Quebec (if you can even call them that, considering I have no idea who any of them are), who had an unmasked party on a Sunwing flight to Mexico.

Videos from the flight show passengers dancing and drinking in the aisles without masks, passing around a bottle of vodka and vaping.

As if it weren’t enough to ignore all safety precautions and turn a plane into a nightclub, they decided to do this in a pandemic, disregarding any and all health guidelines, and the safety of the crew onboard, because they thought they were above the rules.

The situation is giving major Vanessa Hudgens 2020 energy. 

Many of the partiers remain stranded in Mexico, after—you guessed it—testing positive for COVID-19. Airlines are refusing to fly them back for the safety of their crew and other passengers. 

I hope the single drop of clout was worth it.

Julia Fox and Kanye West

Lastly, in the fourth quarter of the week (look at me, talking sports), actress Julia Fox wrote the most bizarre recap of her second date with Kanye West for Interview Magazine.

Fox, who is most recently known for her role in Uncut Gems alongside Adam Sandler, was recently photographed with Kanye by paparazzi last week. The pair have seemingly chosen to capitalize on the publicity, with Fox writing about how for their second date, Kanye conducted a photoshoot of her, and surprised her with an entirely new wardrobe.

The article is accompanied by images of West styling Fox, and naturally, images of her…straddling him on the floor?

The entire situation is a weird mix of celebrity and spectacle. It is pretty wild to not only conduct an entire photoshoot for a magazine during second date, but also to write about it in detail, especially days after Kanye was photographed with two different IG models.

But I can’t lie, as much as I hated it, I was inspired by the chaos. Maybe I'll do a Surrey version. If you see me chronicling my next second date at a local Cactus Club near you, complete with some images straddling a man at like, Guildford Mall or something—mind your business. 

I will leave you with a cursed image that was on my timeline shortly before hitting publish. Now you too can descend into a Julia Fox and Pete Davidson internet wormhole.

That’s all for this week! Let’s see what pisses me off next week. 

Xo – Rumneek