Hello pals.

I took two weeks off from “Discourses I hated,” because I simply had nothing to say. I consider this to be a good thing. 

During this time the general distaste for…everything has simply compounded, so now I’m back and sassier than ever. (If that’s even possible).

Let’s get into this week’s discourses because we have a lot of catching up to do.

Johnny Depp trial

I know that being perpetually online has warped many people’s brains, but using audio from a domestic violence trial for TikToks or making memes about some of the allegations being made certainly is another level of hell. The trial for Johnny Depp’s defamation lawsuit against his ex Amber Heard is currently ongoing, and the case has turned into nothing short of a spectacle. 

While the trial is still unfolding, many are weighing in regarding their thoughts on the situation on social media in real time. What is particularly eerie is the level that Johnny Depp fans are going to to showcase their support. Social media has intensified celebrity fandom in terrifying ways, and this case has only shown that there truly are no limits to this. 

The obsession with true crime and celebrity have intersected in a really bizarre way. As Miles Klee writes for Mel Magazine, “The screenplay is written on social media, the scenes cut together from court TV, paparazzi shots and previous films. This crowdsourced movie has everything it needs, including a built-in fandom to consume and publicize it.”

It is extremely unnerving to see the “fancams” of the ongoing trial, or to see all of the memes that Depp fans have created to showcase their support. Some of the clips being reposted from the trial have been posted without context or with facts that are unverified. People are also using audio from the trial to make jokes of their own. 

Some even lined up for hours outside of the courthouse for a chance to watch the trial, and the judge has repeatedly had to ask the courtroom to settle down to avoid getting kicked out. Heard is currently receiving death threats from Depp fans and getting booed while leaving court, while Starbucks locations are putting out tip jars labeled with Heard and Depp’s names.

The Internet has seemed to forget that whatever your personal opinions on the matter—we are not watching a film. This is not a game. This is a real life case with real allegations of domestic violence. If you truly want to support survivors, there are many ways to do so that don’t involve making memes about it, I assure you.

Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly

Everyone thought these two were joking about the blood thing…but Megan Fox just confirmed that her and fiancé Machine Gun Kelly are out here drinking each other’s blood for real, for real. As if their excessive P.D.A, and the fact that MGK bought Megan a ring that would hurt her if she tries to remove it weren’t enough, Fox confirmed in a recent interview with Glamour, that they actually have drank each other’s blood. In typical out of touch celebrity fashion, however, Fox managed to try to paint it as if it were totally chill and not at all strange that she and her husband-to-be have tasted one another’s blood on multiple occasions.

 “It’s just a few drops, but yes, we do consume each other’s blood on occasion for ritual purposes only,” said Fox.

“And it is controlled where it’s like, ‘Let’s shed a few drops of blood and each drink it.’ He’s much more haphazard and hectic and chaotic, where he’s willing to just cut his chest open with broken glass and be like, ‘Take my soul,’” she says, dramatically mimicking her beloved’s alleged chest-bearing, chest-slashing passion.”

Girl. 

She also went on to discuss how she manifested MGK when she was four-years-old.

"He’s literally my exact physical type that I’ve been manifesting since I was four. I’m also four years older than him. So, I think I made him. My thoughts and intentions grew him into the person that he is, who knows what he would’ve looked like or been like if it wasn’t for me.”

To each their own and all that jazz, but truly, these two are doing too damn much. What scares me is that they are likely in the midst of planning their wedding, during which we are sure to hear more of this madness, if not to witness their blood drinking ceremony IRL at the altar. 

Bless them both.

Stop telling women how to live their life challenge 

Although Drew Afualo from TikTok does a supreme job of calling out misogynistic men, I sometimes feel like I need to throw in some of the nonsense I see on social media just to give a little bit of perspective. A recent viral video shows a 56-year-old man, trying to tell women that over the age of 35, you are a “leftover."

This misogynistic idea that women are worth less as they age and are less suitable romantic partners, is created by and perpetuated by men. They benefit greatly from trying to convince women that nobody will want them when they get older.

Think about it. This musty old dude tells you that you become devalued as you age, making you feel like if you are not settled down by 30, you are failing. To combat this fear, you settle for some aint-shit-ass-mans, because we have been socialized to believe that it is better to have a shitty partner or a partner we do not like than to have no partner at all. The aforementioned aint-shit-ass-mans, then benefits from having a partner that is well out of his league because she settled in fear of not being able to find someone else. (Read this week’s advice column for more on that). 

Men like this love to try to instil the fear of being a “leftover woman” into young women in hopes that their characterization will push women into lowering their standards and settling for them. Regardless of what age a woman is, a shitty man will still be a shitty man. Trying to push women into being more desperate so they will settle for you isn’t the flex you think it is bucko.

And for the record—all of the women I know have simply gotten better with age. Women in their thirties know who they are and have come into their own, with far less bullshit than their early 20’s. So, if a woman is single at 35, I can assure you that it is a hell of a lot better than settling for a guy who certainly didn’t deserve her in the first place.

Selling Sunset

Selling Sunset Season 5 released last week and as a reality TV connoisseur I feel absolutely compelled to talk about it. This season was as unhinged as ever. For starters, we had the strange pairing of Jason and Chrishell. I still don’t believe they were ever a real couple, but seeing the way that Jason was painted as a life-long bachelor who wasn’t ready for commitment at the ripe old age of 45 made me extremely uncomfy. 

I mean I get that commitment isn’t for everyone, but why pursue a relationship with someone who works for you, knowing that you don’t want to commit to them? Do you just enjoy making your work environment more awkward? Like, this isn’t an Earls or Cactus Club where everyone dates everyone—this is a reputable business, there are standards! 

As if their relationship wasn’t bizarre enough, things were made worse by the fact that Mary, Jason’s other employee-turned-ex-girlfriend, had a front row seat to watch one of her good friends and colleagues date her ex-boyfriend. I almost threw up in my mouth watching Chrishell talk about her ~intimate~ life with Jason to Mary of all people. 

Meanwhile, I think we can all agree that Mary and Jason are the only pairing that really would make sense? He even mistakenly called her “babe” while they were out at dinner and then caught himself, saying, “Oh I shouldn’t call you babe.” I mean, I’d agree that calling your employee turned ex-girlfriend “babe” while you are dating another employee is probably inappropriate but that’s just me.

Christine is the most ridiculous of the cast members but by far the most entertaining, while the rest of the cast is just extremely underwhelming. Emma, girly, no one cares about your vegan empanadas. Give it up!

Regardless, the season delivered in terms of all of the mess, and I can’t wait to see what happens at the reunion.

And to end off this week, here are a few palate cleansers that made me smile this week. 

I’ll catch you next week!